Hope in Kindness

So a very long time I have tried and tried to figure out a way to write this blog. I hope that this helps somebody. It has been on my mind a lot lately. 

I don't know if I have blogged about why I blog. So here it is. It is my out. I have a really hard time dealing with depression and anxiety so this is my anti-depressant you could say. I started this blog about 4 years ago when I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. It really helped me then and it still helps me now. 

I can remember being single. I had a really good job, I had some really good friends, but I never got asked out on dates.

That was really hard on me. I mean I made good money, I was funny, I went to church. I did all the things I was taught. I have always had a bad mouth but whatevs. But looking back that's where I really let my thoughts and others people's lack of interest in me define me as a person.

I was sooo incredibly un kind to myself. "Well maybe if I was blonder." "Or, maybe if I had trendier clothes." Those were mild thoughts that became much more intense. "You are worthless." "Nobody will ever want to marry you."  Etc.

As long as I could remember I have always wanted to be a mom and a wife. I thought that this would be a cure all. And to a lot of those thoughts it was. But then  Satan fights you with other things. I got postpartum depression horribly. You can ask James. (Poor guy had to deal with a crazier Olivia for 6 months.) "Why can't I ever look that put together." "I look so ugly in all my clothes!" "James should be embarrassed to be with me."

I made a huge long list the other day of things I want to work on about myself and change. It went anywhere from swearing, to showering every day. I decided to pick one each week and work on it. So I choose being kind to myself.

I looked in the mirror every day and told myself I was beautiful. And everytime I would have a negative thought about myself I would tell it to stop. And it did wonders for my relationship with James and my abilities to mother and be a wife.

The kindness topic is hard fo thing to grasp for a lot of people. Especially when it is being kind to yourself. And I still have a ways to work on. It starts out hard and the more you work on it, it become easier every day.

Something else I have learned is to talk. For so long I have felt like I couldn't talk to my friends about depression or my struggles in general because I would scare them away. But the thing is, is if you scare them away with something that is consuming your life they aren't a friend. So many people have similar struggles to you right now. Talk.

 

Two, you are loved. If you aren't married or dating or whatever. You are still so incredibly loved. Everyone is loved by our Heavenly Father. There is so much love to go around and if you don't feel loved try to show love to someone else. It will do wonders.

And last but not least.You are incredible. You are doing your best. You are beautiful / handsome. You have so much to offer. So, be kind to yourself. You are worth so much more than those thoughts. 

Hope in Impressions

So. I was talking with my friend, about false impressions. Especially on social media and how it gives people a false impression on how parenthood or life for that matter really is. I am guilty of making my life seems like roses. But..

This for example. Really? Like let's cut up some fruits and vegetables, giggle, and love everyone. 

This is more of an accurate example of "snack" time at our house. 

Or these kind of pics.

Then there is me. #blowoutsfordays

Or this after a night of no sleep..

What the internet doesn't show you.It doesn't show you how crappy (literally) it can be. I mean lets be honest. It's a good day if I shower.. Or put pants on. 

In a matter of a month. Susie got hand foot mouth (worst name ever btw.), then I got hand foot mouth, had a death in the family, got bit 283939 times while

Nursing, all three of us got colds, and Susie had the runs for 2 weeks.

Sorry to be blunt. But here is the thing. There aren't filters in life. With all that being said. I love my train wreck, messy, shower-less days.

Behind the B.O. is a girl who is doing her best. Under the dirt on my tile floor from my husbands boots is a smiling husband no matter how long his day was. And between those cries in the middle of the night is a baby who has to hold my hand to fall asleep.

I am here to tell you that. 

1. You are doing a fantastic job.

 2. That you are enough.

The other day, my Susie Jo was laughing her head off at me. I looked around at my house. Toys everywhere and dishes in the sink. I couldn't help but think. "This is what it's all about." I am so happy. I love being a mom and wife even though I feel like a fail most days. It's so worth it. Don't give up on yourself and try not to compare. Let hope and love take over and your life will be so beautiful. #nofilterneeded 

Hope in Strength

When you think of strength countless things probably come to your mind. Physical strength, mental strength, and emotional strength. All of those have been on my mind lately. 

A few months ago I was going through one of the roughest times of my life. I'll say it, I felt completely weak wich made absolutely no sense because I have a beautiful, wonderful life. Well my mom called me and said something to me that has stuck with me. She said, "You know Oli, you are the strongest person I know." 

What makes a strong person? My best friend who happens to be my husband is seriously one of the most physically strong people I know. He can dead lift 450 pounds. Yikes. Don't want to mess this him. But what I also love about him is his strength of character. He seriously never talks bad about anyone. He tries to understand what everyone is going through and often puts himself on the back burner. He is gentle and loving. And one of the most Christlike people I know. I think of what makes James strong. Hard work. Literally and physically. He works so hard on himself. 

I wonder often why my mom said I was the strongest person she knew. Me of all people? I literally have SO many flaws. I wish I could change so much about myself. But, I know why she said it. She said it because I am strong. I don't give up. Being mentally and emotionally strong to me is working everyday to achieve that strength. It's forgetting about all the negative and looking at the positive. It's reading your scriptures. It's praying. It's being the best mom and wife I can be. 

When I was going through such a time of weakness I clung to my Susie Jo. I feel so incredibly blessed that I was chosen by my Heavenly Father to be a mom. It is by far the hardest most rewarding job I have ever had. I absolutely love it. I can tell Susie is strong because she smiles when she is sick and feeling weak. I hope she will continue that in her life. When I feel like I am not enough she always seems to know and she will grab my hand. A lot of the time tears roll down my face.

I want to challenge everyone reading to find strength. Wether it's in others or yourself. I promise you that if I can find it in myself, you can to. Don't hit rock bottom before to find it. Your Heavenly Father will meet you in the middle to lift and strengthen you.

Hope in Life

My life is pretty fantastic.To others I might have it all. But here is the thing. No matter how many blessings and fantastic things you have in your life there are still things that simply suck.

It might be sleep. My sleep sucks. I hardly remember what that relationship once was like. It might be yourself. I have hard time with myself. I let thoughts about my self become a belief. It might be loved once. 

That list may seem stretched out, but all of those things are things that in time will change. We as humans focus on the negative things in life. Why? Simple. Because it is an uncomfortable feeling. It hurts. It makes you sick. 

It has taken me along time to come to terms with this statement. You can't change things that happen to you, but what you can change is how you react to the things that happen to you.

I 100% believe that if we use our hardships and negative events in our life  to build us up and make us stronger rather than bitter we will be blessed.

There is hope in our life's. Always. There will always be another day. There are blessings, and if we are patient our Heavenly Father is waiting to reward us for how we concurred our trials. So, smile. Believe in yourself. Don't worry what others think. You know your heart. And wait for the blessings.

Strength in Support

The past six weeks has been full of miracles, sleepless nights, and blessings. A little over six weeks ago I gave birth to our beautiful little girl Susie Jo. Something that I have felt over and over again in these past days is support.

My first glimpse of support from the beginning of our new life was James as I was having Susie. I am not going to get all nasty cause I hate other people's birth stories haha but anyways, I have never been so in love with him. As I was having her James was right by my side the entire time. Cheering me on. Literally. "Come on Oli." "You're amazing." "She is almost here." In between contractions he was giving me spoonfuls of ice and making me laugh. The doctor said he has never seen someone laugh as much as us during labor. Man, I just kept thinking, "I am so blessed to have married James. He is my best friend my support and the best dad anyone could ask for.

Cuddling is their favorite.

Second, my sister Lenzi. Lenzi felt like I needed her and drove 8 hours to see me. It was so nice having her here. She came to her two week appointment with me and held my hand as I had to get a blood patch. I kept having. Horrible migraines. So bad that I couldn't talk or do anything.  She made me tell the doctor witch let me to the hospital. I had leaked spinal fluid from my epidural and so they put blood back into my spine. (Blood patch:)) She stood right by my side as I was in tons of pain and she gave me all the support and talked me through it all. I know if Lenzi wouldn't have been their I wouldn't have told the doctor and gotten it fixed.

Next is my parents. They also drove 8+ hours to be with us. We found out right befit we were supposed to be discharged that Susie had to spend another night in the hospital. My mom held me as I cried and stayed at a hotel waiting for us to get discharged. 

Although those are very few examples I have felt so much more support during this time of newly motherhood. I have felt our heavenly fathers love more than I ever have before. Being a first time mother is so nerve racking and scary. However with others and with faith it is possible. I am so greatful for the love and support I have felt. I feel so blessed. Beyond words. 

Hope in Hiding

For about 8 years I have had fibromyalgia. However I have only known for about 2.For those of you that don't know what it is, welcome to the club. Although doctors don't know that cause of it yet, it is believed to be widespread pain, tenderness and overactive nerves. With some people it starts because of a previous injury that hasn't healed properly. I am in that category. For many years I have I felt "unathletic" "lazy" "dramatic" and "alone". Although I have been told all of those. They still sting.

I can remember when I was 14 I knew something was wrong. Although a lot of my problems are my back now it was my legs then. I would get what were believed to be "growing pains" all the time. So bad that I couldn't walk. They tested me for arthritis many times. Negative. Of coarse. To doctors and family's eyes I was fine. I was very lost and felt alone completely because I knew there had to be something but nobody else believed. 

When I was 16 it effected my abilities completely different. I got hit with the chronic  fatigue and depression. I would nap everyday after school because I just couldn't stay awake and perform the way I should. Did I want to nap? No. Lazy is what others thought.  Because of that belief from others depression slapped me in the face. I felt completely alone. Friends wondered what was wrong but eventually they left. Boys. I didn't want to let anyone in. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I pushed most everyone away and suffered by myself. 

18. I had graduated high school and was signed up for cosmetology school in rexburg. Although nobody believed I could do it. I did. Depression, pain (physical) and fatigue were a constant. "Oh you just hurt from standing all day." "You're just tired from doing a lot of haircuts." Once A week I could sleep 15 hours a night. I didn't let all of my constants get to me all the time but they did get to me. 

I moved to Provo at 20. "Mom.... I can't breathe.. Mom.. Help me.. I don't know what to do!!.. Mom.." That was the phone call that started it all. My back was spasming so bad that I full on could not breathe. I was driving and pulled over. Called my mom because I didn't know hardly anyone in Provo. My dad called my uncle to come get me. Although they were nice I hid from them. In the way that I smiled and tried to make them believe that I was okay. A blessing was given and I went home. Still so much pain. For days I wondered what was happening to me. I remember crying to my father in heaven pleading to give me hope and to help me find someone to help me. For a lot of nights i literally felt his arms around me. By some miracle I got in to a doctor in Orem Utah. He couldn't see a lot that was wrong but I did see in him hope. I knew that he would do all he could to figure out what was wrong and he did. I had an MRI. It showed that I had a tear in my lower back. But because it didn't heal correctly it caused fibromyalgia.

At age 21 I was managing a barber shop. Man i worked harder that I ever have. I loved it and I was finally good at something. I did get reminded of my pains often. Shooting pain down my arms was not one of my favorites. But it happened often due to always cutting hair. I would sleep most of the day on my days off. My roommate always knew how I was feeling because if I didn't have my hair in a pony tail or it was curled or something I was doing good. Little tasks like that became a daily struggle and still are for me. I eventually returned home to idaho. I was done with love, however that's when in always comes. I reconnected with my junior high sweet heart. The one I always pushed away. He changed my whole outlook. I remember telling him about my fibro. Without a blink of an eye he hugged me and never let it get me down. He made me hike and do all sorts of things that I would otherwise have stayed behind because I didn't want to hold anyone back. He saw me as a normal human being and not someone slow or different. We married in oct.

At 22 my life is perfect.. I married my best friend and shortly after in January we found out we were expecting our first little baby. A lot of people have asked how my pregnancy has been with fibromyalgia. Well for the first little bit it was awesome. Symptoms reversed and I had never felt better. I became very sick with morning sickness. If it was just that I would be fine but the pain came back full force. Probably 2 or 3 times as bad. A lot of days I wondered how anyone could endure this pain. James would hold me and pretend like it was easy for him but I knew it was horrible for him to see me like that. I wouldn't  replace my pain, my sickness or anything though. We have a healthy baby coming in October. And are so blessed. I would do it again in a heat beat. 

I have hid for many years because I knew that people couldnt see it so I could hide it. It's not like I had a cast or bruises or anything. However people have been noticing lately. I know it's because I am 6 months pregnant now and it's harder to hide my pains. But honestly. I don't mind not hiding anymore. This is something that I will always have. I hope it gets better but I know it will be by my side forever so I need to embrace it. With hiding I have found much strength within myself. I have found that I can do hard things and I can be like everyone else. I have found that I don't need to push people away anymore. That I should let them into my life. I am so thankful that I let James in because of it weren't for him I would still be hiding 

Hope in Impacts

Since it's the new year, I decided to write a cliche new year post. Bare with me.. 

A couple of weeks ago James and I watched a really great movie. It talked about impacts; good and bad, literally and figuratively, and how these "impacts" lead to moments. I would like to share my impacts this past year. Some are personal but I am proud of who I am and where I am today.

- I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Something I will have my whole life. It's very painful at times but I have decided to beat the odds and go medication free.

- I try and be strong most of the time with this diagnosis, but it lead me to an unfortunate state of depression. However, I successfully detoxed from my antidepressants. 

-I tore my MCL doing a dance-move skiing.

-I got promoted to manager of a very successful barber shop and it became the top selling shop in the chain.

-I followed my heart, gave up that job and moved out of the state back to my home in Idaho.

-I reconnected with my Junior High sweetheart when I moved home. And now I get to spend eternity with him.

- I have found a love for hunting. (Comes with the new last name:))

-I have found true happiness.

These impacts have become some of my hardest but favorite moments. Because of these impacts, they have given me hope, self confidence, and trust. I am so greatful for the blessings and love my Savior has brought to me this past year.

Hope in Teachings

It has taken me forever to put into words this blog post. I hope it somewhat makes sense. 

So, in my life I can think back on tons of lectures. Some I remember some I choose not to.. Like on my grades or my love life etc. But there are some that have stuck with me through it all and I would like to share what I have taken from those. 

The first one is from my home girl Nana. 

First off. Isn't she the cutest thing in the world? I think so. I can remember being lectured all the time from her. Two sayings she would say to us countless times were, "many hands make light work" and "pretty is as pretty does." 

It's so true how work goes by so much faster when you have a little help. Boy I wish I would have been better at that growing up. "Pretty is as pretty does" now that one is one of the truest statements I have ever heard. You can see an incredibly pretty or handsome person but if they act ugly it's almost like they loose their attractiveness. 

The next one is from my dad.

If anyone knows my dad. They know how incredible he is and that he is who he is. My dad is my hero. He has no fear to try new things and no fear to fail or succeed. Something that my dad has taught me that has gotten me to where I am today, is to be myself and to be proud of who I am. Sometimes that's all that's kept me going. But because of that I have always had a strong will and knowledge of where I came from. I owe my father that one.

My momma is next.

My mom is also the cutest. She got it from her momma. My mom taught me to always pray. To never give up and that there always is something good coming our way. Sometimes it got annoying how optimistic she was but looking back I always needed that.

Then my sister.

This lady has taught me more than words can explain. She has more faith than anyone I know and has taught me to always have it. She is so positive and always looks on the bright side of any situation. I am forever grateful for her spirit she caries with her every day. 

Last. My bestie. James.

He has taught me how to love and trust.It sure wasn't an easy task I am sure, but he took in on without hesitation. I am forever grateful for his patience.

There is so much hope and teachings around us. Even in the bad. I have learned so much from my trials as well as my triumphs. Please, find teachings. They have been a saving grace to me over the years.

Hope in Others

Since forever I have always had a hard time trusting others. I don't think I have ever stood alone in this feeling. Everyone has gone through a trial in their lives that has brought them to having less hope or trust in others. But every once in awhile someone comes into your life and brings that sign of hope and trust back. Mine came into my life in the 9th grade.

Although I lost all of our pictures of us together in High School,the day of this picture changed my life forever. I had just moved home. To be honest, I didn't want to be there. My life, to some extent, was broken. I felt empty and I knew that I had to get out of the terrible funk I was in. I wanted to fish and I knew my friend James had just gotten home from his mission. We dated a little bit every year since Junior High. Cliche, I know, but I love the past we have spent together. From the phone calls that his family would listen in on because he didn't have a cell phone, to his pink polo he wore on our first date- I love every part of it.

When he came to the door to pick me up.. My first thought was "dang!" Haha!  He was so cute in his tight wranglers and more than anything, he glowed. He was so happy and it was from the light of Christ. That night was perfect. We were in the canyon and just talked and laughed and it was so romantic! Looking back I am surprised it actually was romantic because we suck at being romantic! Like bad. I knew that day that he was going to be in my life.

I was a mess though. I didn't want to let anyone into my life that couldn't handle it, so of coarse I was nervous. Heck, I just wanted a friend and the fact that we fished was a bonus!  But Heavenly Father had other plans. 

Things progressed quickly and I remember multiple nights where I knew he was the one. One was when I sat him down and told him why I was home.  I told him that I understand if he wanted to run... But he didn't. 

I had accepted a job in Utah before James and I started getting serious.  I figured that this would be a 'make it or break it" in our relationship.  And with my luck, I didn't think he would stay around. We had 3 weeks before I left, so we did everything fun we could think of including spontaneous cliff jumping with jeans on where he accidentally jumped on me!

 

And even though it hurt real bad. I loved every second we spent together and I was not looking forward to leaving at all.  The plan was to work till the end of the summer, which was 3 months and see where we were at by the end of that. 

I won't lie. It was hard. When I didn't cry at night on the phone, he did.  It was bad. I came home as much as possible. It got to the point where we knew we were going to get married. And then he asked me!

 

He welded that sign:) and re-enacted our first date. It was beyond perfect. It was even harder to go back to Utah.  Soo... I lasted one month:)

I moved back home and have never looked back. I never thought I would marry the guy that threw paper airplanes at me in English class. And I honestly didn't ever think I could be in love with someone so much, either. 

I want everyone reading this to smile.  Smile because there are others around you that love you.  Believe that our Heavenly Father has a plan for you.  He lets things fail so others will succeed. If I found hope in someone anyone can.

Hope in Promises

     I can remember making pinky promises in kindergarten. They were so simple but seemed to be life or death back then. As we grow up promises start to shape or break us - or both.

It seems like trials seem to also shape people, especially the ones that are centered around a promise. I recently found out that no matter the promise that is broken or the trial at hand, there are far larger promises that are guaranteed. These promises are from our Father in Heaven.

     I have learned lessons and seen more blessings and promises in the past couple months  than ever before. I would feel ungrateful if I didn't share them.

I have learned that our Heavenly Father knows everything we go through. I have felt pure comfort. I know that He sends angels to help lift us when we fall. I know that He sometimes uses us as his tools to show people the gospel. It isn't always easy and sometimes it hurts. But I also know that He pours blessing upon us when we have faith in him.

I promise to anyone reading this that there is hope. I promise that if you are hurting or feel alone there is always someone there and He is a simple prayer away. I promise that there are good people out there. I promise that love will find you. I promise that if you look at the bigger picture your goals and aspirations will become reality.

I pinky promise that no matter what~ there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Everything happens for a reason and it's all in His plan.

Hope in Courage

     Courage is defined as-the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, or pain,without fear but with bravery. Courage is something that takes a lot of strength from within you. It's something that is very honorable but when and why do we have courage?  I personally think that we have courage so we can become strong and so that we can show others and ourselves that we can overcome trials without bitterness and disappointment.

   The infamous Cinderella, like many of us, faced much hardship and tribulation. Her evil step mother inherited a beautiful house after Cinderella's father passed away. She got treated like a slave and was constantly mocked by her step sisters. However, Cinderella had dreams. She had goals and she was going to obtain them.  Finally Cinderella had a glimpse of hope. While everyone was at the ball she, as usual, was doing chores. Her godmother appeared to her and told her she had until midnight to go to the ball or else the magic would be undone. 

      Right then Cinderella had to build up courage. Like Cinderella, we all have our own trials. We have to decide how we are going to let them affect us. Are we going to let them constantly bring us down or are we going to face them with a courageous outlook and conquer them? 

     Sometimes it's the smallest things that are the hardest be courageous about. Sometimes it's going out in public, or having a talk with a friend or loved one. No matter how large or small the situation is, at times we all need courage. I have found that if you believe in yourself and have the big picture in mind, it comes a lot easier.

     After you take a big courageous step there is a certain amount of freedom released. It's a wonderful feeling. I promise there is hope with having courage. I challenge you to take a leap of courage. Find hope in it. Your outlook on life and your day will change and you will feel amazing. Tell someone you love them. Go out in pubic. Take risks. Its Worth it. Someone will find your glass slipper.

  

Hope in You

"You are strong Olivia. You can do this." Those are the words that I literally would say out loud to myself every day. I don't really know why I would say them. I didn't feel strong and I didn't think I could do it. I was in beauty school at the time and it is ironic because I felt like I was the opposite of "beauty". I counted down the days until I would be done and could
rebuild myself, so to say. I remember my last day and the amazing feeling I had when I was done. I had tears running down my face as I left and I knew I would never go back.

"Come on Olivia you can do this." I found myself saying this again. This time it was different. I felt weak but I knew I was strong but I just was scared and having a weak moment. This time I was in scrubs waiting to go get an MRI for my back. As they took me back may things were going through my head-- I want my mom. What are the results going to be? I want the results now. 

Once again. "Olivia you are strong." This time I was weak. I was pretty much at my whits end. Questions and thoughts ran through my head. "Why me?" "You are 21 with fibromyalgia." "You will never feel better."

A thought came to me this week. I am strong. I am 21, and a heck of 21 year old!  And I can do this.

Life is tough. At times you may feel weak and like you can't do it. But guess what?  You did it and are doing it. You, yes you, have overcome so much. No matter how hard the journey has been. No matter the bad thoughts,  no matter the frightened moments, there is something that has endured it all. And that is you. You have decided that whatever choices you have made or bad mistakes you have chosen,  you aren't going to let it rule your life.

To anyone reading this, you are amazing. Tell yourself out loud daily. You are strong. And no matter what --there is always hope. Hope for the future, hope for now, and hope in you.

Hope in Luck

     I have always had the worst luck. I am actually known for it!   For example, my brother and sister decided to take me mountain biking.. seemed fun. They are both super fit and I had recently lost weight so I thought "what the hay?"  Long story short, the brakes went out on my sister's bike I was using. I was going down hill and I went over the handle bars, cutting my leg on the chain!   In  a more recent "bad luck" story I tore my MCL skiing.  Sounds ligit, right? Well, I was skiing but I was actually dancing and tripped with my skis on.  Rather embarrassing!
     When I made the move to Provo my mom gave me a sign that says, "The harder you work, the luckier you get." We all laughed because I think of my life as quite comical. However I really have loved it and it has been a constant reminder to me.
     Since I have been in Provo I have been working super hard. I have been hoping that someone would notice. And I know that sounds selfish of me, but with how much my body hurts on a daily basis it would mean so much. I have recently been lucky. I got promoted.  Luck?  Nope.
     I kept catching myself saying how lucky I was. It wasn't luck. It, in fact, was a blessing. I think sometimes we get so caught up in all of the negative things in life. It is SO easy to do this. Why? Because a lot of the time these negative things seem so huge and they affect us or sometimes there seems to be more negative things engulfing us than positive. Our Father in Heaven doesn't give us ANYTHING that He knows we can't concur or endure.
     He gives us "bad luck" for us to realize the good. He gives us good so we will be grateful for the bad times that helped us get to those good times. He gave me Fibromyalgia so I can realize how precious my body is. I used to think of it as a curse. But, shame on me for ever having that cross my mind. I am so blessed. I have never in my life been so grateful for everything I have and everything that I took for granted. I now look at "Luck" differently. For anyone struggling in the luck department, I challenge you to work. Work so hard at whatever is hard for you in your life.  I promise you that you will find blessings pour down on you.  Support will begin to surround you.
     I have felt more loved these past few months  than I have in my entire life. Thank you. Thank you for caring for me enough to read this. Thank you for being there when I feel weak. Thank you for making me realize that luck doesn't just come but it is something you have to work for. But most of all thank you to my Father in Heaven for giving me defeat, trials, and hard times so I realized how truly blessed I am.

Hope in Battles

     The lady walking beside you just got diagnosed with breast cancer and it has spread too far to treat.  The man that just cut you off earlier got the news that he was let go from his job and has 5 kids at home to feed.  The teenager that you waited for to cross the street has severe depression and could barely get out of bed.
     Everyone has battles that they face every day.  Some are more clear than others.  How many of us take time out of our day to give hope to those around us?  You never know what a simple act of kindness or service could do for somebody.  A poll was taken asking recovering suicidal people what would have changed their minds about suicide.  I was pretty surprised about the  majority of the answers.  They said a smile or a wave. Can you believe that?  That is something so simple.
     I remember one Sunday I really wasn't feeling well. I hadn't slept much the night before. I went to church but three hours was tough to sit.  This one boy that I had said hi to a few times came up to me and said, "You know Olivia, you make me so happy. Every time I see you it just makes me happy. Thanks." It touched me so much that I wrote down the date it happened and everything. On January 5th a simple compliment changed my entire day.
      My little brother, Rudy, used to say, " Imagine everyone is fighting the hardest battle and you are probably right." Ever since then it has changed my outlook on people around me . I wave at almost everyone I pass driving by.  I smile at people walking.  I am certainly not perfect at all and I have my bad days, probably more than others. But, I am also positive that the simple things make the biggest difference.
     That lady that I mentioned earlier? Someone told her how beautiful her eyes were. That man that cut you off?  Someone anonymously dropped of dinner at their house.  The teenager? Someone befriended her and sat by her at the lunch table.
     Battles at first seem so impossible.  There is hope.  Give hope out to people.  Smile, wave, and give compliments. You never know what they are going through.  You never know what kind of a difference you might make. 
    
     

Hope in Timing

     Our whole world is based on time. Time for appointments, soccer games, or shifts at work. Life is crazy and we only have 24 hours in one day. What about His timing?  Our Father in Heaven's timing, that is.

     I get so frustrated waiting.  When is life going to go like I want it?  That is completely the wrong attitude.  This week I have tried to look at time differently.

     Have you ever had something happen to you and you knew that it was supposed to happen?  I love looking at these things as tender mercies.  I remember moving to Provo.  I knew nobody and I was moving into my apartment.  I was taking loads upon loads of stuff  to my new place.  I had just worked 9 hours and I was getting really tired.  I remember saying a prayer, asking for somehow to have some help bringing my stuff in.  Out walks a beautiful girl.  She glowed and had such an amazing spirit about her.  She went and got friends and in 10 minutes I was done bringing my stuff in. Chance?  No. That was His timing. 

     Another kind of timing I want to share is the beauty of the non-importance of time. Each year my dad, siblings and I go on the Middle Fork of the Salmon River. It's 100 miles and my favorite place on the earth.   No cell phones, no cars.  Just good company and the beauty that surrounds us.  Time is forgotten.  It's amazing.  For 5 days we forget about worldly stuff and concentrate on the wonderful gifts that our Father in Heaven has given us.

     I challenge everyone reading this to find hope in timing, to recognize the tender mercies in our lives and to forget about time for just a bit.  I promise you that you will find amazing things around you.

Hope in Opportunity

     When we think of opportunity we think of chances or adventures we were offered to take. Whether it's a new job or a new place to live, we have to choose. We have to look at our lives and decide whether it's going to work or whether we are going to back out. It is so important to take chances and opportunities because they might not come by again. But, what about the things that happen in our lives that we don't decide to have? You know, the things that we hate or question-Why me? Well this week a light bulb went off for me.
     I was driving in my car during my lunch break at work. I was in a lot more pain than usual. I can usually deal with it and at least put a face on, but that day I couldn't hold it back. During my lunch break I had a huge pity party and did what most girls do, I called my mom. Tears were shared and motivational thoughts were exchanged. As my mom wished she could be there with me and told  me how proud she was of me, I felt hope. However, I still hurt and no matter what, I had to choose to change the effect it was having on me.
        I went back to work. I smiled and worked hard. Standing on my feet wasn't the best but I knew I could do it. When I got off work I was driving once again and I got a wonderful epiphany. How blessed and lucky am I that I get the opportunity to feel pain and suffer!  I know that probably sounds strange to people but I just felt so blessed. I get to feel a very minuscule part of what Jesus felt. I get to feel empty and alone like so many people in the world feel. I get to help people in a way that I would never have the opportunity to help.
     I challenge everyone who is reading to take the difficult things and hard trials in your life and look at them as opportunities. Opportunities to grow, to show hope, and to lift others up. We can't do this alone and no matter the circumstance or the pain that you are feeling now, there is hope. There are amazing opportunities coming your way. Just look around you. They are everywhere.
    

Hope in Patience

Patience has never really been my thing. I wish I was one of those chill, "come as it comes" people, but it didn't really come in my blood. As a little kid I was always really busy and into EVERYTHING. My patience, or rather lack of patience, truly showed in my young years as I went from project to project. My siblings would beg me to play Mario Party with them just so they could have four players. If I was doing bad, which was often, I would throw my controller across the room and turn off the TV, losing all of the progress. Needless to say, I had and still have a lot to work on!

Patience is defined as the ability to remain calm when waiting for a long time or when dealing with problems or difficult people. Nobody enjoys waiting. Waiting, I feel, does nothing but build a huge pit in your stomach. Sometimes waiting mends the heart,  when other times it destroys you. Hope is the one thing that minimizes your pit. No matter the situation~ there is always hope. This summer I had a couple really painful episodes with lower back pain. I had always been super accident prone so I figured I did something to it while I was messing around or something. I iced it and hoped for the best. The pain would come in spurts. I prayed and prayed for it to go away. But it didn't. My patience was pretty much non-existent. Tender mercies began to pour in. Hope was my main man, I felt like. After getting into a doctor that was near impossible to get into he couldn't figure it out right on the spot. X-RAYS were taken and still nothing. The next step was an MRI. As I went in to the most constricting place I have ever been, tears rolled down my face. I didn't have much hope any more. Church songs came to my mind. Patience was whispered in my head. As I waited nervously for the doctor to tell me the results, so many emotions ran through my body. Fear, hope, anxiety, and about everything in between. As I waited on that annoying paper on the bed in the doctor's office it felt like hours had passed. He finally came in. He pulled up the MRI and showed me that I had a slight tear in my lower back. He did some pressure point tests and gave me the verdict. "Well Olivia," he said, "You have Fibromyalgia." He then explained it as joint problems and chronic, wide spread pain through my entire body. Everything seemed to come together. For 8 years I was waiting for this day. Since I was 14 I have always known I was different and there it was. Patience. Patience is key. Hope. Hope is everything.