Hope in Kindness

So a very long time I have tried and tried to figure out a way to write this blog. I hope that this helps somebody. It has been on my mind a lot lately. 

I don't know if I have blogged about why I blog. So here it is. It is my out. I have a really hard time dealing with depression and anxiety so this is my anti-depressant you could say. I started this blog about 4 years ago when I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. It really helped me then and it still helps me now. 

I can remember being single. I had a really good job, I had some really good friends, but I never got asked out on dates.

That was really hard on me. I mean I made good money, I was funny, I went to church. I did all the things I was taught. I have always had a bad mouth but whatevs. But looking back that's where I really let my thoughts and others people's lack of interest in me define me as a person.

I was sooo incredibly un kind to myself. "Well maybe if I was blonder." "Or, maybe if I had trendier clothes." Those were mild thoughts that became much more intense. "You are worthless." "Nobody will ever want to marry you."  Etc.

As long as I could remember I have always wanted to be a mom and a wife. I thought that this would be a cure all. And to a lot of those thoughts it was. But then  Satan fights you with other things. I got postpartum depression horribly. You can ask James. (Poor guy had to deal with a crazier Olivia for 6 months.) "Why can't I ever look that put together." "I look so ugly in all my clothes!" "James should be embarrassed to be with me."

I made a huge long list the other day of things I want to work on about myself and change. It went anywhere from swearing, to showering every day. I decided to pick one each week and work on it. So I choose being kind to myself.

I looked in the mirror every day and told myself I was beautiful. And everytime I would have a negative thought about myself I would tell it to stop. And it did wonders for my relationship with James and my abilities to mother and be a wife.

The kindness topic is hard fo thing to grasp for a lot of people. Especially when it is being kind to yourself. And I still have a ways to work on. It starts out hard and the more you work on it, it become easier every day.

Something else I have learned is to talk. For so long I have felt like I couldn't talk to my friends about depression or my struggles in general because I would scare them away. But the thing is, is if you scare them away with something that is consuming your life they aren't a friend. So many people have similar struggles to you right now. Talk.

 

Two, you are loved. If you aren't married or dating or whatever. You are still so incredibly loved. Everyone is loved by our Heavenly Father. There is so much love to go around and if you don't feel loved try to show love to someone else. It will do wonders.

And last but not least.You are incredible. You are doing your best. You are beautiful / handsome. You have so much to offer. So, be kind to yourself. You are worth so much more than those thoughts.