I can remember when I was 14 I knew something was wrong. Although a lot of my problems are my back now it was my legs then. I would get what were believed to be "growing pains" all the time. So bad that I couldn't walk. They tested me for arthritis many times. Negative. Of coarse. To doctors and family's eyes I was fine. I was very lost and felt alone completely because I knew there had to be something but nobody else believed.
When I was 16 it effected my abilities completely different. I got hit with the chronic fatigue and depression. I would nap everyday after school because I just couldn't stay awake and perform the way I should. Did I want to nap? No. Lazy is what others thought. Because of that belief from others depression slapped me in the face. I felt completely alone. Friends wondered what was wrong but eventually they left. Boys. I didn't want to let anyone in. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I pushed most everyone away and suffered by myself.
18. I had graduated high school and was signed up for cosmetology school in rexburg. Although nobody believed I could do it. I did. Depression, pain (physical) and fatigue were a constant. "Oh you just hurt from standing all day." "You're just tired from doing a lot of haircuts." Once A week I could sleep 15 hours a night. I didn't let all of my constants get to me all the time but they did get to me.
I moved to Provo at 20. "Mom.... I can't breathe.. Mom.. Help me.. I don't know what to do!!.. Mom.." That was the phone call that started it all. My back was spasming so bad that I full on could not breathe. I was driving and pulled over. Called my mom because I didn't know hardly anyone in Provo. My dad called my uncle to come get me. Although they were nice I hid from them. In the way that I smiled and tried to make them believe that I was okay. A blessing was given and I went home. Still so much pain. For days I wondered what was happening to me. I remember crying to my father in heaven pleading to give me hope and to help me find someone to help me. For a lot of nights i literally felt his arms around me. By some miracle I got in to a doctor in Orem Utah. He couldn't see a lot that was wrong but I did see in him hope. I knew that he would do all he could to figure out what was wrong and he did. I had an MRI. It showed that I had a tear in my lower back. But because it didn't heal correctly it caused fibromyalgia.
At age 21 I was managing a barber shop. Man i worked harder that I ever have. I loved it and I was finally good at something. I did get reminded of my pains often. Shooting pain down my arms was not one of my favorites. But it happened often due to always cutting hair. I would sleep most of the day on my days off. My roommate always knew how I was feeling because if I didn't have my hair in a pony tail or it was curled or something I was doing good. Little tasks like that became a daily struggle and still are for me. I eventually returned home to idaho. I was done with love, however that's when in always comes. I reconnected with my junior high sweet heart. The one I always pushed away. He changed my whole outlook. I remember telling him about my fibro. Without a blink of an eye he hugged me and never let it get me down. He made me hike and do all sorts of things that I would otherwise have stayed behind because I didn't want to hold anyone back. He saw me as a normal human being and not someone slow or different. We married in oct.
At 22 my life is perfect.. I married my best friend and shortly after in January we found out we were expecting our first little baby. A lot of people have asked how my pregnancy has been with fibromyalgia. Well for the first little bit it was awesome. Symptoms reversed and I had never felt better. I became very sick with morning sickness. If it was just that I would be fine but the pain came back full force. Probably 2 or 3 times as bad. A lot of days I wondered how anyone could endure this pain. James would hold me and pretend like it was easy for him but I knew it was horrible for him to see me like that. I wouldn't replace my pain, my sickness or anything though. We have a healthy baby coming in October. And are so blessed. I would do it again in a heat beat.
I have hid for many years because I knew that people couldnt see it so I could hide it. It's not like I had a cast or bruises or anything. However people have been noticing lately. I know it's because I am 6 months pregnant now and it's harder to hide my pains. But honestly. I don't mind not hiding anymore. This is something that I will always have. I hope it gets better but I know it will be by my side forever so I need to embrace it. With hiding I have found much strength within myself. I have found that I can do hard things and I can be like everyone else. I have found that I don't need to push people away anymore. That I should let them into my life. I am so thankful that I let James in because of it weren't for him I would still be hiding
