For about 8 years I have had fibromyalgia. However I have only known for about 2.For those of you that don't know what it is, welcome to the club. Although doctors don't know that cause of it yet, it is believed to be widespread pain, tenderness and overactive nerves. With some people it starts because of a previous injury that hasn't healed properly. I am in that category. For many years I have I felt "unathletic" "lazy" "dramatic" and "alone". Although I have been told all of those. They still sting.
I can remember when I was 14 I knew something was wrong. Although a lot of my problems are my back now it was my legs then. I would get what were believed to be "growing pains" all the time. So bad that I couldn't walk. They tested me for arthritis many times. Negative. Of coarse. To doctors and family's eyes I was fine. I was very lost and felt alone completely because I knew there had to be something but nobody else believed.
When I was 16 it effected my abilities completely different. I got hit with the chronic fatigue and depression. I would nap everyday after school because I just couldn't stay awake and perform the way I should. Did I want to nap? No. Lazy is what others thought. Because of that belief from others depression slapped me in the face. I felt completely alone. Friends wondered what was wrong but eventually they left. Boys. I didn't want to let anyone in. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I pushed most everyone away and suffered by myself.
18. I had graduated high school and was signed up for cosmetology school in rexburg. Although nobody believed I could do it. I did. Depression, pain (physical) and fatigue were a constant. "Oh you just hurt from standing all day." "You're just tired from doing a lot of haircuts." Once A week I could sleep 15 hours a night. I didn't let all of my constants get to me all the time but they did get to me.
I moved to Provo at 20. "Mom.... I can't breathe.. Mom.. Help me.. I don't know what to do!!.. Mom.." That was the phone call that started it all. My back was spasming so bad that I full on could not breathe. I was driving and pulled over. Called my mom because I didn't know hardly anyone in Provo. My dad called my uncle to come get me. Although they were nice I hid from them. In the way that I smiled and tried to make them believe that I was okay. A blessing was given and I went home. Still so much pain. For days I wondered what was happening to me. I remember crying to my father in heaven pleading to give me hope and to help me find someone to help me. For a lot of nights i literally felt his arms around me. By some miracle I got in to a doctor in Orem Utah. He couldn't see a lot that was wrong but I did see in him hope. I knew that he would do all he could to figure out what was wrong and he did. I had an MRI. It showed that I had a tear in my lower back. But because it didn't heal correctly it caused fibromyalgia.
At age 21 I was managing a barber shop. Man i worked harder that I ever have. I loved it and I was finally good at something. I did get reminded of my pains often. Shooting pain down my arms was not one of my favorites. But it happened often due to always cutting hair. I would sleep most of the day on my days off. My roommate always knew how I was feeling because if I didn't have my hair in a pony tail or it was curled or something I was doing good. Little tasks like that became a daily struggle and still are for me. I eventually returned home to idaho. I was done with love, however that's when in always comes. I reconnected with my junior high sweet heart. The one I always pushed away. He changed my whole outlook. I remember telling him about my fibro. Without a blink of an eye he hugged me and never let it get me down. He made me hike and do all sorts of things that I would otherwise have stayed behind because I didn't want to hold anyone back. He saw me as a normal human being and not someone slow or different. We married in oct.
At 22 my life is perfect.. I married my best friend and shortly after in January we found out we were expecting our first little baby. A lot of people have asked how my pregnancy has been with fibromyalgia. Well for the first little bit it was awesome. Symptoms reversed and I had never felt better. I became very sick with morning sickness. If it was just that I would be fine but the pain came back full force. Probably 2 or 3 times as bad. A lot of days I wondered how anyone could endure this pain. James would hold me and pretend like it was easy for him but I knew it was horrible for him to see me like that. I wouldn't replace my pain, my sickness or anything though. We have a healthy baby coming in October. And are so blessed. I would do it again in a heat beat.
I have hid for many years because I knew that people couldnt see it so I could hide it. It's not like I had a cast or bruises or anything. However people have been noticing lately. I know it's because I am 6 months pregnant now and it's harder to hide my pains. But honestly. I don't mind not hiding anymore. This is something that I will always have. I hope it gets better but I know it will be by my side forever so I need to embrace it. With hiding I have found much strength within myself. I have found that I can do hard things and I can be like everyone else. I have found that I don't need to push people away anymore. That I should let them into my life. I am so thankful that I let James in because of it weren't for him I would still be hiding
Cuddling is their favorite.