Strength in Support

The past six weeks has been full of miracles, sleepless nights, and blessings. A little over six weeks ago I gave birth to our beautiful little girl Susie Jo. Something that I have felt over and over again in these past days is support.

My first glimpse of support from the beginning of our new life was James as I was having Susie. I am not going to get all nasty cause I hate other people's birth stories haha but anyways, I have never been so in love with him. As I was having her James was right by my side the entire time. Cheering me on. Literally. "Come on Oli." "You're amazing." "She is almost here." In between contractions he was giving me spoonfuls of ice and making me laugh. The doctor said he has never seen someone laugh as much as us during labor. Man, I just kept thinking, "I am so blessed to have married James. He is my best friend my support and the best dad anyone could ask for.

Cuddling is their favorite.

Second, my sister Lenzi. Lenzi felt like I needed her and drove 8 hours to see me. It was so nice having her here. She came to her two week appointment with me and held my hand as I had to get a blood patch. I kept having. Horrible migraines. So bad that I couldn't talk or do anything.  She made me tell the doctor witch let me to the hospital. I had leaked spinal fluid from my epidural and so they put blood back into my spine. (Blood patch:)) She stood right by my side as I was in tons of pain and she gave me all the support and talked me through it all. I know if Lenzi wouldn't have been their I wouldn't have told the doctor and gotten it fixed.

Next is my parents. They also drove 8+ hours to be with us. We found out right befit we were supposed to be discharged that Susie had to spend another night in the hospital. My mom held me as I cried and stayed at a hotel waiting for us to get discharged. 

Although those are very few examples I have felt so much more support during this time of newly motherhood. I have felt our heavenly fathers love more than I ever have before. Being a first time mother is so nerve racking and scary. However with others and with faith it is possible. I am so greatful for the love and support I have felt. I feel so blessed. Beyond words. 

Hope in Hiding

For about 8 years I have had fibromyalgia. However I have only known for about 2.For those of you that don't know what it is, welcome to the club. Although doctors don't know that cause of it yet, it is believed to be widespread pain, tenderness and overactive nerves. With some people it starts because of a previous injury that hasn't healed properly. I am in that category. For many years I have I felt "unathletic" "lazy" "dramatic" and "alone". Although I have been told all of those. They still sting.

I can remember when I was 14 I knew something was wrong. Although a lot of my problems are my back now it was my legs then. I would get what were believed to be "growing pains" all the time. So bad that I couldn't walk. They tested me for arthritis many times. Negative. Of coarse. To doctors and family's eyes I was fine. I was very lost and felt alone completely because I knew there had to be something but nobody else believed. 

When I was 16 it effected my abilities completely different. I got hit with the chronic  fatigue and depression. I would nap everyday after school because I just couldn't stay awake and perform the way I should. Did I want to nap? No. Lazy is what others thought.  Because of that belief from others depression slapped me in the face. I felt completely alone. Friends wondered what was wrong but eventually they left. Boys. I didn't want to let anyone in. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I pushed most everyone away and suffered by myself. 

18. I had graduated high school and was signed up for cosmetology school in rexburg. Although nobody believed I could do it. I did. Depression, pain (physical) and fatigue were a constant. "Oh you just hurt from standing all day." "You're just tired from doing a lot of haircuts." Once A week I could sleep 15 hours a night. I didn't let all of my constants get to me all the time but they did get to me. 

I moved to Provo at 20. "Mom.... I can't breathe.. Mom.. Help me.. I don't know what to do!!.. Mom.." That was the phone call that started it all. My back was spasming so bad that I full on could not breathe. I was driving and pulled over. Called my mom because I didn't know hardly anyone in Provo. My dad called my uncle to come get me. Although they were nice I hid from them. In the way that I smiled and tried to make them believe that I was okay. A blessing was given and I went home. Still so much pain. For days I wondered what was happening to me. I remember crying to my father in heaven pleading to give me hope and to help me find someone to help me. For a lot of nights i literally felt his arms around me. By some miracle I got in to a doctor in Orem Utah. He couldn't see a lot that was wrong but I did see in him hope. I knew that he would do all he could to figure out what was wrong and he did. I had an MRI. It showed that I had a tear in my lower back. But because it didn't heal correctly it caused fibromyalgia.

At age 21 I was managing a barber shop. Man i worked harder that I ever have. I loved it and I was finally good at something. I did get reminded of my pains often. Shooting pain down my arms was not one of my favorites. But it happened often due to always cutting hair. I would sleep most of the day on my days off. My roommate always knew how I was feeling because if I didn't have my hair in a pony tail or it was curled or something I was doing good. Little tasks like that became a daily struggle and still are for me. I eventually returned home to idaho. I was done with love, however that's when in always comes. I reconnected with my junior high sweet heart. The one I always pushed away. He changed my whole outlook. I remember telling him about my fibro. Without a blink of an eye he hugged me and never let it get me down. He made me hike and do all sorts of things that I would otherwise have stayed behind because I didn't want to hold anyone back. He saw me as a normal human being and not someone slow or different. We married in oct.

At 22 my life is perfect.. I married my best friend and shortly after in January we found out we were expecting our first little baby. A lot of people have asked how my pregnancy has been with fibromyalgia. Well for the first little bit it was awesome. Symptoms reversed and I had never felt better. I became very sick with morning sickness. If it was just that I would be fine but the pain came back full force. Probably 2 or 3 times as bad. A lot of days I wondered how anyone could endure this pain. James would hold me and pretend like it was easy for him but I knew it was horrible for him to see me like that. I wouldn't  replace my pain, my sickness or anything though. We have a healthy baby coming in October. And are so blessed. I would do it again in a heat beat. 

I have hid for many years because I knew that people couldnt see it so I could hide it. It's not like I had a cast or bruises or anything. However people have been noticing lately. I know it's because I am 6 months pregnant now and it's harder to hide my pains. But honestly. I don't mind not hiding anymore. This is something that I will always have. I hope it gets better but I know it will be by my side forever so I need to embrace it. With hiding I have found much strength within myself. I have found that I can do hard things and I can be like everyone else. I have found that I don't need to push people away anymore. That I should let them into my life. I am so thankful that I let James in because of it weren't for him I would still be hiding 

Hope in Impacts

Since it's the new year, I decided to write a cliche new year post. Bare with me.. 

A couple of weeks ago James and I watched a really great movie. It talked about impacts; good and bad, literally and figuratively, and how these "impacts" lead to moments. I would like to share my impacts this past year. Some are personal but I am proud of who I am and where I am today.

- I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Something I will have my whole life. It's very painful at times but I have decided to beat the odds and go medication free.

- I try and be strong most of the time with this diagnosis, but it lead me to an unfortunate state of depression. However, I successfully detoxed from my antidepressants. 

-I tore my MCL doing a dance-move skiing.

-I got promoted to manager of a very successful barber shop and it became the top selling shop in the chain.

-I followed my heart, gave up that job and moved out of the state back to my home in Idaho.

-I reconnected with my Junior High sweetheart when I moved home. And now I get to spend eternity with him.

- I have found a love for hunting. (Comes with the new last name:))

-I have found true happiness.

These impacts have become some of my hardest but favorite moments. Because of these impacts, they have given me hope, self confidence, and trust. I am so greatful for the blessings and love my Savior has brought to me this past year.

Hope in Teachings

It has taken me forever to put into words this blog post. I hope it somewhat makes sense. 

So, in my life I can think back on tons of lectures. Some I remember some I choose not to.. Like on my grades or my love life etc. But there are some that have stuck with me through it all and I would like to share what I have taken from those. 

The first one is from my home girl Nana. 

First off. Isn't she the cutest thing in the world? I think so. I can remember being lectured all the time from her. Two sayings she would say to us countless times were, "many hands make light work" and "pretty is as pretty does." 

It's so true how work goes by so much faster when you have a little help. Boy I wish I would have been better at that growing up. "Pretty is as pretty does" now that one is one of the truest statements I have ever heard. You can see an incredibly pretty or handsome person but if they act ugly it's almost like they loose their attractiveness. 

The next one is from my dad.

If anyone knows my dad. They know how incredible he is and that he is who he is. My dad is my hero. He has no fear to try new things and no fear to fail or succeed. Something that my dad has taught me that has gotten me to where I am today, is to be myself and to be proud of who I am. Sometimes that's all that's kept me going. But because of that I have always had a strong will and knowledge of where I came from. I owe my father that one.

My momma is next.

My mom is also the cutest. She got it from her momma. My mom taught me to always pray. To never give up and that there always is something good coming our way. Sometimes it got annoying how optimistic she was but looking back I always needed that.

Then my sister.

This lady has taught me more than words can explain. She has more faith than anyone I know and has taught me to always have it. She is so positive and always looks on the bright side of any situation. I am forever grateful for her spirit she caries with her every day. 

Last. My bestie. James.

He has taught me how to love and trust.It sure wasn't an easy task I am sure, but he took in on without hesitation. I am forever grateful for his patience.

There is so much hope and teachings around us. Even in the bad. I have learned so much from my trials as well as my triumphs. Please, find teachings. They have been a saving grace to me over the years.

Hope in Others

Since forever I have always had a hard time trusting others. I don't think I have ever stood alone in this feeling. Everyone has gone through a trial in their lives that has brought them to having less hope or trust in others. But every once in awhile someone comes into your life and brings that sign of hope and trust back. Mine came into my life in the 9th grade.

Although I lost all of our pictures of us together in High School,the day of this picture changed my life forever. I had just moved home. To be honest, I didn't want to be there. My life, to some extent, was broken. I felt empty and I knew that I had to get out of the terrible funk I was in. I wanted to fish and I knew my friend James had just gotten home from his mission. We dated a little bit every year since Junior High. Cliche, I know, but I love the past we have spent together. From the phone calls that his family would listen in on because he didn't have a cell phone, to his pink polo he wore on our first date- I love every part of it.

When he came to the door to pick me up.. My first thought was "dang!" Haha!  He was so cute in his tight wranglers and more than anything, he glowed. He was so happy and it was from the light of Christ. That night was perfect. We were in the canyon and just talked and laughed and it was so romantic! Looking back I am surprised it actually was romantic because we suck at being romantic! Like bad. I knew that day that he was going to be in my life.

I was a mess though. I didn't want to let anyone into my life that couldn't handle it, so of coarse I was nervous. Heck, I just wanted a friend and the fact that we fished was a bonus!  But Heavenly Father had other plans. 

Things progressed quickly and I remember multiple nights where I knew he was the one. One was when I sat him down and told him why I was home.  I told him that I understand if he wanted to run... But he didn't. 

I had accepted a job in Utah before James and I started getting serious.  I figured that this would be a 'make it or break it" in our relationship.  And with my luck, I didn't think he would stay around. We had 3 weeks before I left, so we did everything fun we could think of including spontaneous cliff jumping with jeans on where he accidentally jumped on me!

 

And even though it hurt real bad. I loved every second we spent together and I was not looking forward to leaving at all.  The plan was to work till the end of the summer, which was 3 months and see where we were at by the end of that. 

I won't lie. It was hard. When I didn't cry at night on the phone, he did.  It was bad. I came home as much as possible. It got to the point where we knew we were going to get married. And then he asked me!

 

He welded that sign:) and re-enacted our first date. It was beyond perfect. It was even harder to go back to Utah.  Soo... I lasted one month:)

I moved back home and have never looked back. I never thought I would marry the guy that threw paper airplanes at me in English class. And I honestly didn't ever think I could be in love with someone so much, either. 

I want everyone reading this to smile.  Smile because there are others around you that love you.  Believe that our Heavenly Father has a plan for you.  He lets things fail so others will succeed. If I found hope in someone anyone can.

Hope in Promises

     I can remember making pinky promises in kindergarten. They were so simple but seemed to be life or death back then. As we grow up promises start to shape or break us - or both.

It seems like trials seem to also shape people, especially the ones that are centered around a promise. I recently found out that no matter the promise that is broken or the trial at hand, there are far larger promises that are guaranteed. These promises are from our Father in Heaven.

     I have learned lessons and seen more blessings and promises in the past couple months  than ever before. I would feel ungrateful if I didn't share them.

I have learned that our Heavenly Father knows everything we go through. I have felt pure comfort. I know that He sends angels to help lift us when we fall. I know that He sometimes uses us as his tools to show people the gospel. It isn't always easy and sometimes it hurts. But I also know that He pours blessing upon us when we have faith in him.

I promise to anyone reading this that there is hope. I promise that if you are hurting or feel alone there is always someone there and He is a simple prayer away. I promise that there are good people out there. I promise that love will find you. I promise that if you look at the bigger picture your goals and aspirations will become reality.

I pinky promise that no matter what~ there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Everything happens for a reason and it's all in His plan.

Hope in Courage

     Courage is defined as-the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, or pain,without fear but with bravery. Courage is something that takes a lot of strength from within you. It's something that is very honorable but when and why do we have courage?  I personally think that we have courage so we can become strong and so that we can show others and ourselves that we can overcome trials without bitterness and disappointment.

   The infamous Cinderella, like many of us, faced much hardship and tribulation. Her evil step mother inherited a beautiful house after Cinderella's father passed away. She got treated like a slave and was constantly mocked by her step sisters. However, Cinderella had dreams. She had goals and she was going to obtain them.  Finally Cinderella had a glimpse of hope. While everyone was at the ball she, as usual, was doing chores. Her godmother appeared to her and told her she had until midnight to go to the ball or else the magic would be undone. 

      Right then Cinderella had to build up courage. Like Cinderella, we all have our own trials. We have to decide how we are going to let them affect us. Are we going to let them constantly bring us down or are we going to face them with a courageous outlook and conquer them? 

     Sometimes it's the smallest things that are the hardest be courageous about. Sometimes it's going out in public, or having a talk with a friend or loved one. No matter how large or small the situation is, at times we all need courage. I have found that if you believe in yourself and have the big picture in mind, it comes a lot easier.

     After you take a big courageous step there is a certain amount of freedom released. It's a wonderful feeling. I promise there is hope with having courage. I challenge you to take a leap of courage. Find hope in it. Your outlook on life and your day will change and you will feel amazing. Tell someone you love them. Go out in pubic. Take risks. Its Worth it. Someone will find your glass slipper.