Hope in Kindness

So a very long time I have tried and tried to figure out a way to write this blog. I hope that this helps somebody. It has been on my mind a lot lately. 

I don't know if I have blogged about why I blog. So here it is. It is my out. I have a really hard time dealing with depression and anxiety so this is my anti-depressant you could say. I started this blog about 4 years ago when I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. It really helped me then and it still helps me now. 

I can remember being single. I had a really good job, I had some really good friends, but I never got asked out on dates.

That was really hard on me. I mean I made good money, I was funny, I went to church. I did all the things I was taught. I have always had a bad mouth but whatevs. But looking back that's where I really let my thoughts and others people's lack of interest in me define me as a person.

I was sooo incredibly un kind to myself. "Well maybe if I was blonder." "Or, maybe if I had trendier clothes." Those were mild thoughts that became much more intense. "You are worthless." "Nobody will ever want to marry you."  Etc.

As long as I could remember I have always wanted to be a mom and a wife. I thought that this would be a cure all. And to a lot of those thoughts it was. But then  Satan fights you with other things. I got postpartum depression horribly. You can ask James. (Poor guy had to deal with a crazier Olivia for 6 months.) "Why can't I ever look that put together." "I look so ugly in all my clothes!" "James should be embarrassed to be with me."

I made a huge long list the other day of things I want to work on about myself and change. It went anywhere from swearing, to showering every day. I decided to pick one each week and work on it. So I choose being kind to myself.

I looked in the mirror every day and told myself I was beautiful. And everytime I would have a negative thought about myself I would tell it to stop. And it did wonders for my relationship with James and my abilities to mother and be a wife.

The kindness topic is hard fo thing to grasp for a lot of people. Especially when it is being kind to yourself. And I still have a ways to work on. It starts out hard and the more you work on it, it become easier every day.

Something else I have learned is to talk. For so long I have felt like I couldn't talk to my friends about depression or my struggles in general because I would scare them away. But the thing is, is if you scare them away with something that is consuming your life they aren't a friend. So many people have similar struggles to you right now. Talk.

 

Two, you are loved. If you aren't married or dating or whatever. You are still so incredibly loved. Everyone is loved by our Heavenly Father. There is so much love to go around and if you don't feel loved try to show love to someone else. It will do wonders.

And last but not least.You are incredible. You are doing your best. You are beautiful / handsome. You have so much to offer. So, be kind to yourself. You are worth so much more than those thoughts. 

Hope in Impressions

So. I was talking with my friend, about false impressions. Especially on social media and how it gives people a false impression on how parenthood or life for that matter really is. I am guilty of making my life seems like roses. But..

This for example. Really? Like let's cut up some fruits and vegetables, giggle, and love everyone. 

This is more of an accurate example of "snack" time at our house. 

Or these kind of pics.

Then there is me. #blowoutsfordays

Or this after a night of no sleep..

What the internet doesn't show you.It doesn't show you how crappy (literally) it can be. I mean lets be honest. It's a good day if I shower.. Or put pants on. 

In a matter of a month. Susie got hand foot mouth (worst name ever btw.), then I got hand foot mouth, had a death in the family, got bit 283939 times while

Nursing, all three of us got colds, and Susie had the runs for 2 weeks.

Sorry to be blunt. But here is the thing. There aren't filters in life. With all that being said. I love my train wreck, messy, shower-less days.

Behind the B.O. is a girl who is doing her best. Under the dirt on my tile floor from my husbands boots is a smiling husband no matter how long his day was. And between those cries in the middle of the night is a baby who has to hold my hand to fall asleep.

I am here to tell you that. 

1. You are doing a fantastic job.

 2. That you are enough.

The other day, my Susie Jo was laughing her head off at me. I looked around at my house. Toys everywhere and dishes in the sink. I couldn't help but think. "This is what it's all about." I am so happy. I love being a mom and wife even though I feel like a fail most days. It's so worth it. Don't give up on yourself and try not to compare. Let hope and love take over and your life will be so beautiful. #nofilterneeded 

Hope in Strength

When you think of strength countless things probably come to your mind. Physical strength, mental strength, and emotional strength. All of those have been on my mind lately. 

A few months ago I was going through one of the roughest times of my life. I'll say it, I felt completely weak wich made absolutely no sense because I have a beautiful, wonderful life. Well my mom called me and said something to me that has stuck with me. She said, "You know Oli, you are the strongest person I know." 

What makes a strong person? My best friend who happens to be my husband is seriously one of the most physically strong people I know. He can dead lift 450 pounds. Yikes. Don't want to mess this him. But what I also love about him is his strength of character. He seriously never talks bad about anyone. He tries to understand what everyone is going through and often puts himself on the back burner. He is gentle and loving. And one of the most Christlike people I know. I think of what makes James strong. Hard work. Literally and physically. He works so hard on himself. 

I wonder often why my mom said I was the strongest person she knew. Me of all people? I literally have SO many flaws. I wish I could change so much about myself. But, I know why she said it. She said it because I am strong. I don't give up. Being mentally and emotionally strong to me is working everyday to achieve that strength. It's forgetting about all the negative and looking at the positive. It's reading your scriptures. It's praying. It's being the best mom and wife I can be. 

When I was going through such a time of weakness I clung to my Susie Jo. I feel so incredibly blessed that I was chosen by my Heavenly Father to be a mom. It is by far the hardest most rewarding job I have ever had. I absolutely love it. I can tell Susie is strong because she smiles when she is sick and feeling weak. I hope she will continue that in her life. When I feel like I am not enough she always seems to know and she will grab my hand. A lot of the time tears roll down my face.

I want to challenge everyone reading to find strength. Wether it's in others or yourself. I promise you that if I can find it in myself, you can to. Don't hit rock bottom before to find it. Your Heavenly Father will meet you in the middle to lift and strengthen you.

Hope in Life

My life is pretty fantastic.To others I might have it all. But here is the thing. No matter how many blessings and fantastic things you have in your life there are still things that simply suck.

It might be sleep. My sleep sucks. I hardly remember what that relationship once was like. It might be yourself. I have hard time with myself. I let thoughts about my self become a belief. It might be loved once. 

That list may seem stretched out, but all of those things are things that in time will change. We as humans focus on the negative things in life. Why? Simple. Because it is an uncomfortable feeling. It hurts. It makes you sick. 

It has taken me along time to come to terms with this statement. You can't change things that happen to you, but what you can change is how you react to the things that happen to you.

I 100% believe that if we use our hardships and negative events in our life  to build us up and make us stronger rather than bitter we will be blessed.

There is hope in our life's. Always. There will always be another day. There are blessings, and if we are patient our Heavenly Father is waiting to reward us for how we concurred our trials. So, smile. Believe in yourself. Don't worry what others think. You know your heart. And wait for the blessings.