Hope in Kindness

So a very long time I have tried and tried to figure out a way to write this blog. I hope that this helps somebody. It has been on my mind a lot lately. 

I don't know if I have blogged about why I blog. So here it is. It is my out. I have a really hard time dealing with depression and anxiety so this is my anti-depressant you could say. I started this blog about 4 years ago when I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. It really helped me then and it still helps me now. 

I can remember being single. I had a really good job, I had some really good friends, but I never got asked out on dates.

That was really hard on me. I mean I made good money, I was funny, I went to church. I did all the things I was taught. I have always had a bad mouth but whatevs. But looking back that's where I really let my thoughts and others people's lack of interest in me define me as a person.

I was sooo incredibly un kind to myself. "Well maybe if I was blonder." "Or, maybe if I had trendier clothes." Those were mild thoughts that became much more intense. "You are worthless." "Nobody will ever want to marry you."  Etc.

As long as I could remember I have always wanted to be a mom and a wife. I thought that this would be a cure all. And to a lot of those thoughts it was. But then  Satan fights you with other things. I got postpartum depression horribly. You can ask James. (Poor guy had to deal with a crazier Olivia for 6 months.) "Why can't I ever look that put together." "I look so ugly in all my clothes!" "James should be embarrassed to be with me."

I made a huge long list the other day of things I want to work on about myself and change. It went anywhere from swearing, to showering every day. I decided to pick one each week and work on it. So I choose being kind to myself.

I looked in the mirror every day and told myself I was beautiful. And everytime I would have a negative thought about myself I would tell it to stop. And it did wonders for my relationship with James and my abilities to mother and be a wife.

The kindness topic is hard fo thing to grasp for a lot of people. Especially when it is being kind to yourself. And I still have a ways to work on. It starts out hard and the more you work on it, it become easier every day.

Something else I have learned is to talk. For so long I have felt like I couldn't talk to my friends about depression or my struggles in general because I would scare them away. But the thing is, is if you scare them away with something that is consuming your life they aren't a friend. So many people have similar struggles to you right now. Talk.

 

Two, you are loved. If you aren't married or dating or whatever. You are still so incredibly loved. Everyone is loved by our Heavenly Father. There is so much love to go around and if you don't feel loved try to show love to someone else. It will do wonders.

And last but not least.You are incredible. You are doing your best. You are beautiful / handsome. You have so much to offer. So, be kind to yourself. You are worth so much more than those thoughts. 

Hope in Impressions

So. I was talking with my friend, about false impressions. Especially on social media and how it gives people a false impression on how parenthood or life for that matter really is. I am guilty of making my life seems like roses. But..

This for example. Really? Like let's cut up some fruits and vegetables, giggle, and love everyone. 

This is more of an accurate example of "snack" time at our house. 

Or these kind of pics.

Then there is me. #blowoutsfordays

Or this after a night of no sleep..

What the internet doesn't show you.It doesn't show you how crappy (literally) it can be. I mean lets be honest. It's a good day if I shower.. Or put pants on. 

In a matter of a month. Susie got hand foot mouth (worst name ever btw.), then I got hand foot mouth, had a death in the family, got bit 283939 times while

Nursing, all three of us got colds, and Susie had the runs for 2 weeks.

Sorry to be blunt. But here is the thing. There aren't filters in life. With all that being said. I love my train wreck, messy, shower-less days.

Behind the B.O. is a girl who is doing her best. Under the dirt on my tile floor from my husbands boots is a smiling husband no matter how long his day was. And between those cries in the middle of the night is a baby who has to hold my hand to fall asleep.

I am here to tell you that. 

1. You are doing a fantastic job.

 2. That you are enough.

The other day, my Susie Jo was laughing her head off at me. I looked around at my house. Toys everywhere and dishes in the sink. I couldn't help but think. "This is what it's all about." I am so happy. I love being a mom and wife even though I feel like a fail most days. It's so worth it. Don't give up on yourself and try not to compare. Let hope and love take over and your life will be so beautiful. #nofilterneeded 

Hope in Strength

When you think of strength countless things probably come to your mind. Physical strength, mental strength, and emotional strength. All of those have been on my mind lately. 

A few months ago I was going through one of the roughest times of my life. I'll say it, I felt completely weak wich made absolutely no sense because I have a beautiful, wonderful life. Well my mom called me and said something to me that has stuck with me. She said, "You know Oli, you are the strongest person I know." 

What makes a strong person? My best friend who happens to be my husband is seriously one of the most physically strong people I know. He can dead lift 450 pounds. Yikes. Don't want to mess this him. But what I also love about him is his strength of character. He seriously never talks bad about anyone. He tries to understand what everyone is going through and often puts himself on the back burner. He is gentle and loving. And one of the most Christlike people I know. I think of what makes James strong. Hard work. Literally and physically. He works so hard on himself. 

I wonder often why my mom said I was the strongest person she knew. Me of all people? I literally have SO many flaws. I wish I could change so much about myself. But, I know why she said it. She said it because I am strong. I don't give up. Being mentally and emotionally strong to me is working everyday to achieve that strength. It's forgetting about all the negative and looking at the positive. It's reading your scriptures. It's praying. It's being the best mom and wife I can be. 

When I was going through such a time of weakness I clung to my Susie Jo. I feel so incredibly blessed that I was chosen by my Heavenly Father to be a mom. It is by far the hardest most rewarding job I have ever had. I absolutely love it. I can tell Susie is strong because she smiles when she is sick and feeling weak. I hope she will continue that in her life. When I feel like I am not enough she always seems to know and she will grab my hand. A lot of the time tears roll down my face.

I want to challenge everyone reading to find strength. Wether it's in others or yourself. I promise you that if I can find it in myself, you can to. Don't hit rock bottom before to find it. Your Heavenly Father will meet you in the middle to lift and strengthen you.

Hope in Life

My life is pretty fantastic.To others I might have it all. But here is the thing. No matter how many blessings and fantastic things you have in your life there are still things that simply suck.

It might be sleep. My sleep sucks. I hardly remember what that relationship once was like. It might be yourself. I have hard time with myself. I let thoughts about my self become a belief. It might be loved once. 

That list may seem stretched out, but all of those things are things that in time will change. We as humans focus on the negative things in life. Why? Simple. Because it is an uncomfortable feeling. It hurts. It makes you sick. 

It has taken me along time to come to terms with this statement. You can't change things that happen to you, but what you can change is how you react to the things that happen to you.

I 100% believe that if we use our hardships and negative events in our life  to build us up and make us stronger rather than bitter we will be blessed.

There is hope in our life's. Always. There will always be another day. There are blessings, and if we are patient our Heavenly Father is waiting to reward us for how we concurred our trials. So, smile. Believe in yourself. Don't worry what others think. You know your heart. And wait for the blessings.

Strength in Support

The past six weeks has been full of miracles, sleepless nights, and blessings. A little over six weeks ago I gave birth to our beautiful little girl Susie Jo. Something that I have felt over and over again in these past days is support.

My first glimpse of support from the beginning of our new life was James as I was having Susie. I am not going to get all nasty cause I hate other people's birth stories haha but anyways, I have never been so in love with him. As I was having her James was right by my side the entire time. Cheering me on. Literally. "Come on Oli." "You're amazing." "She is almost here." In between contractions he was giving me spoonfuls of ice and making me laugh. The doctor said he has never seen someone laugh as much as us during labor. Man, I just kept thinking, "I am so blessed to have married James. He is my best friend my support and the best dad anyone could ask for.

Cuddling is their favorite.

Second, my sister Lenzi. Lenzi felt like I needed her and drove 8 hours to see me. It was so nice having her here. She came to her two week appointment with me and held my hand as I had to get a blood patch. I kept having. Horrible migraines. So bad that I couldn't talk or do anything.  She made me tell the doctor witch let me to the hospital. I had leaked spinal fluid from my epidural and so they put blood back into my spine. (Blood patch:)) She stood right by my side as I was in tons of pain and she gave me all the support and talked me through it all. I know if Lenzi wouldn't have been their I wouldn't have told the doctor and gotten it fixed.

Next is my parents. They also drove 8+ hours to be with us. We found out right befit we were supposed to be discharged that Susie had to spend another night in the hospital. My mom held me as I cried and stayed at a hotel waiting for us to get discharged. 

Although those are very few examples I have felt so much more support during this time of newly motherhood. I have felt our heavenly fathers love more than I ever have before. Being a first time mother is so nerve racking and scary. However with others and with faith it is possible. I am so greatful for the love and support I have felt. I feel so blessed. Beyond words. 

Hope in Hiding

For about 8 years I have had fibromyalgia. However I have only known for about 2.For those of you that don't know what it is, welcome to the club. Although doctors don't know that cause of it yet, it is believed to be widespread pain, tenderness and overactive nerves. With some people it starts because of a previous injury that hasn't healed properly. I am in that category. For many years I have I felt "unathletic" "lazy" "dramatic" and "alone". Although I have been told all of those. They still sting.

I can remember when I was 14 I knew something was wrong. Although a lot of my problems are my back now it was my legs then. I would get what were believed to be "growing pains" all the time. So bad that I couldn't walk. They tested me for arthritis many times. Negative. Of coarse. To doctors and family's eyes I was fine. I was very lost and felt alone completely because I knew there had to be something but nobody else believed. 

When I was 16 it effected my abilities completely different. I got hit with the chronic  fatigue and depression. I would nap everyday after school because I just couldn't stay awake and perform the way I should. Did I want to nap? No. Lazy is what others thought.  Because of that belief from others depression slapped me in the face. I felt completely alone. Friends wondered what was wrong but eventually they left. Boys. I didn't want to let anyone in. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I pushed most everyone away and suffered by myself. 

18. I had graduated high school and was signed up for cosmetology school in rexburg. Although nobody believed I could do it. I did. Depression, pain (physical) and fatigue were a constant. "Oh you just hurt from standing all day." "You're just tired from doing a lot of haircuts." Once A week I could sleep 15 hours a night. I didn't let all of my constants get to me all the time but they did get to me. 

I moved to Provo at 20. "Mom.... I can't breathe.. Mom.. Help me.. I don't know what to do!!.. Mom.." That was the phone call that started it all. My back was spasming so bad that I full on could not breathe. I was driving and pulled over. Called my mom because I didn't know hardly anyone in Provo. My dad called my uncle to come get me. Although they were nice I hid from them. In the way that I smiled and tried to make them believe that I was okay. A blessing was given and I went home. Still so much pain. For days I wondered what was happening to me. I remember crying to my father in heaven pleading to give me hope and to help me find someone to help me. For a lot of nights i literally felt his arms around me. By some miracle I got in to a doctor in Orem Utah. He couldn't see a lot that was wrong but I did see in him hope. I knew that he would do all he could to figure out what was wrong and he did. I had an MRI. It showed that I had a tear in my lower back. But because it didn't heal correctly it caused fibromyalgia.

At age 21 I was managing a barber shop. Man i worked harder that I ever have. I loved it and I was finally good at something. I did get reminded of my pains often. Shooting pain down my arms was not one of my favorites. But it happened often due to always cutting hair. I would sleep most of the day on my days off. My roommate always knew how I was feeling because if I didn't have my hair in a pony tail or it was curled or something I was doing good. Little tasks like that became a daily struggle and still are for me. I eventually returned home to idaho. I was done with love, however that's when in always comes. I reconnected with my junior high sweet heart. The one I always pushed away. He changed my whole outlook. I remember telling him about my fibro. Without a blink of an eye he hugged me and never let it get me down. He made me hike and do all sorts of things that I would otherwise have stayed behind because I didn't want to hold anyone back. He saw me as a normal human being and not someone slow or different. We married in oct.

At 22 my life is perfect.. I married my best friend and shortly after in January we found out we were expecting our first little baby. A lot of people have asked how my pregnancy has been with fibromyalgia. Well for the first little bit it was awesome. Symptoms reversed and I had never felt better. I became very sick with morning sickness. If it was just that I would be fine but the pain came back full force. Probably 2 or 3 times as bad. A lot of days I wondered how anyone could endure this pain. James would hold me and pretend like it was easy for him but I knew it was horrible for him to see me like that. I wouldn't  replace my pain, my sickness or anything though. We have a healthy baby coming in October. And are so blessed. I would do it again in a heat beat. 

I have hid for many years because I knew that people couldnt see it so I could hide it. It's not like I had a cast or bruises or anything. However people have been noticing lately. I know it's because I am 6 months pregnant now and it's harder to hide my pains. But honestly. I don't mind not hiding anymore. This is something that I will always have. I hope it gets better but I know it will be by my side forever so I need to embrace it. With hiding I have found much strength within myself. I have found that I can do hard things and I can be like everyone else. I have found that I don't need to push people away anymore. That I should let them into my life. I am so thankful that I let James in because of it weren't for him I would still be hiding 

Hope in Impacts

Since it's the new year, I decided to write a cliche new year post. Bare with me.. 

A couple of weeks ago James and I watched a really great movie. It talked about impacts; good and bad, literally and figuratively, and how these "impacts" lead to moments. I would like to share my impacts this past year. Some are personal but I am proud of who I am and where I am today.

- I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Something I will have my whole life. It's very painful at times but I have decided to beat the odds and go medication free.

- I try and be strong most of the time with this diagnosis, but it lead me to an unfortunate state of depression. However, I successfully detoxed from my antidepressants. 

-I tore my MCL doing a dance-move skiing.

-I got promoted to manager of a very successful barber shop and it became the top selling shop in the chain.

-I followed my heart, gave up that job and moved out of the state back to my home in Idaho.

-I reconnected with my Junior High sweetheart when I moved home. And now I get to spend eternity with him.

- I have found a love for hunting. (Comes with the new last name:))

-I have found true happiness.

These impacts have become some of my hardest but favorite moments. Because of these impacts, they have given me hope, self confidence, and trust. I am so greatful for the blessings and love my Savior has brought to me this past year.